Monday, April 7, 2014

I deserve so much more.

It's funny how someone can mistreat you, have a million excuses and lies yet it makes you feel like you're not enough. That's what I was dealing with. I've been feeling so unhappy, yet it was always turned on me and I'd be the one at fault. Always at fault. I would go out of my way to try and make things perfect and no matter what there was always something that would set him off. I could mention something about his past or joke about a past issue and it would be a fight for days. 

After New Years, he'd throw it in my face almost every day that I 'cheated'. I didn't cheat. A guy was hitting on me and wanted me to come back to his room and I was annoyed. The guy followed me to my room and begged me to go to his room. I dealt with so much crap after that. Anything he would do to hurt me would turn into a "well, you cheated" fight. He thought he could use that against me to get away with things that he'd instantly leave me for. 

When things were good, they were really wonderful. However, good times didn't last more than a day or two. He made me feel absolutely insane at times. The things that would upset and hurt me were things I never had to deal with in the past. I did my best to handle every situation as an adult, I'd try to bring up the issues and explain how hurt I am. He'd get defensive and leave. 

I knew I needed to leave. He didn't respect me. I kept putting up with it. I kept making excuses for him and I never once told ANYONE the major issues. I was embarrassed that I stayed with someone who could do those things. I knew I was being a dumb girl, but I saw something in him that probably wasn't even there. 

Saturday night he ditched me to go out with this girl who would blow up my Facebook messages just talking shit to me. I was done. Then finding out about their drug use and other activities, I was absolutely done. 

I had to work Sunday, I came in crying. I couldn't help it. However, I have absolutely amazing co-workers and friends who haven't left me alone and haven't stopped trying to make me smile. Everyone kept hugging me and comforting me and it's exactly what I needed. 

I'm ready to start living my life again. I'm enjoying being able to be me and not worry about upsetting someone. It's hard because I know he doesn't care. It's hard because I did way more than I ever should of. But, I wouldn't change any of it. 

I'm so grateful for him. I forever will be. I was completely lost when I met him. I felt like I was broken. He may have put me through hell but, I learned a lot about myself. I know I'll be better than ever so I won't hide my sadness right now. It's hard as hell but, I'm done settling. 

3 comments:

  1. This was amazing girl. I know break-ups can totally suck, but love the positive spin you put on this. You do deserve better. You learned so much about yourself... nothing can top that. xo

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  2. I can totally relate to this. I recently hid all the posts I had up about my traumatic breakup because I was sick of re-living it... and yet my mind still relives it almost daily. Ugh. Annoying.

    www.livingbarefootandcrazy.blogspot.com ♥

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  3. I am reading your blog for a long time now but never wrote anything. I am so sorry that this happened to you and you really deserve something better. But at first, if i was in your shoes, i would stop partying, drinking...start loving myself and try to find myself...and then real love will find you. For me it seems like you are rushing from one relationship to the next ....always on the hunt for love, attention and someone to make you happy. Try to make YOURSELF happy ...

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